America, America

So. I truly felt myself calm down today on stressing over my future. Enjoying this moment I wont ever get again.
I felt good.
Real good.
I know in the next four years I would have lived in South Africa working at a magazine or packing for my move over.
As I felt joy over my good day of self reflection I also realized I had fallen into the trap that has caught a lot of us by the ankles.
I just read an article on us, "The Me, Me,More, More" generation of college students and grads a few weeks back. America.
As I constantly asked myself "What am I going to do with MY life?" I realized the opportunity for me to even ask a question like that let me know how good I have it . . .and how what I do with this life should somehow help someone else experience that type of freedom to ask that question . . .as so many did so much so I could ask myself.

Then I went to this link of Fox News attack on Blacks compiled in a way that its no way to deny it and realized how, how I answer that question can help or hurt. America.
Wow, right?
No shock really.
At the airport yesterday CNN broadcast this story of a guy in Texas who was pardoned after being sentenced to LIFE IN PRISON for SMOKING WEED. He was on probation at 17 for an armed robbery where no one was hurt when he smoked weed and 17 years later he is being released. America.
Three of the officers in the Sean Bell case were indicted. Is that a victory?
Hell naw!!!
The victory is only when an unarmed man isn't killed on his wedding day for well, being black.
It's easier to say he shouldn't have been out in that area that late than to come face to face with the reality that it's not anything you did that is the problem, it's just you. Breathing you.
Then I read this column about the NAACP. And sadly, it hit home. I was active in the NAACP in high school and soon the disorganization and politics turned me off. Pretentious black people. Those suspender popping black people I saw at Chicken and Waffles last year with Mayor Nagin. College students. Those of us who are in the best position to "do something," well, I don't know.
Yesterday I was in line to buy a bottle of water at the airport.
The WASP ahead of me got his diet coke. $1.38 My 20 oz Deer Park. $1.73. America.
I am not a revolutionary. Yet, today I felt the weight of the need of a revolution. I am an American.
Aren't I? I was born here and got the social security card to prove it but is that really all it takes to be considered "in"?
I was really looking into going to South Africa this summer and interning back in December.
Then I looked at the staff of Elle South Africa and got intimidated. Not only am I not a true fashion girl (though I did get this Marc Jacobs dress at Loehman's Thursday for a STEAL I tell you! and I told Mikey, and he tells me Marc is in rehab . . . so his clothes are even more fetch these days. this twisted country I tell ya. America).
So like I was saying, not only was I uhm, a little intimidated by the staff I was nervous of what it would be like in South Africa, as far as racism.
One thing about today's American society is that racism isn't in your face so much. Which many say is good. We have made progress, but the behind the scenes conversations that aren't in the open are much more scarier.
I rather have someone spit in my face than stab me in my back. At least I have at least some notice to possibly move out the way. And even if not, I still know who did it because they are up front.
But even with all this bravado I type with. The reality of someone spitting in my face for my skin was something that hit too close for me. So I put on my Fantasia album and spruced up the blog.
Then I remembered so many didn't have the luxury to ignore what is so obvious.
Yes, her album is rather good and that 'Sunshine' is my jam. Yes, like Lorraine I will be black, female, American and do my part to try and get this society a little closer to where it should be.

If not me and you, who?

-Just a regular girl with royal ambition.